As I post a photo of me on social media back in May of this year I caption to make sure you check in on your friends. I was all dolled up with no where to go. I was posting the photo to show I was okay. But really I wasn’t.
Of course I was still going through domestic abuse, the after math, the anxiety, the support and the financial problems but I was also going through a break up (with a non-abuser). I feel the need to mention that as when you say ex partner when you’ve been in an abusive relationship people just presume. My abuser doesn’t get the title of ex partner.
April 2021 was a normal day, my partner at the time had gone to work, I worked from home, he called during the day. Everything was normal. He came back from work, ate his dinner, had a shower and went on his PS4. All normal. As soon as he got in bed he said he needed to talk to me. Due to anxiety reasons my heart was pounding I was saying what and he was just staring at me. I said do you not love me anymore? He shook his head to say no.
I had been with this guy for nearly a year. It was my first proper nice relationship, normal relationship since my abuser. Even though I was still going through not being able to leave the front door he made me feel safe. We never argued and at the time, I just felt so happy. We had visioned our future together. A long and happy one. Now he was turning round out the blue and saying he didn’t love me and wanted to break up. He didn’t have a reason and to this day, I believe still doesn’t.
I instantly sobbed. No this can’t be happening again, not anymore bad luck. I had been through enough in life, I was finally starting to feel safe. Was I going to be sectioned? It would f surprise me with the amount of stress I’d been through. I was instantly sick. He cried, I cried. I was so angry at the time. I left to see my friend. I was numb. i went home and hardly slept, just cried.
This happened on a Monday, by the Wednesday he said that he just wanted a break and didn’t want to leave me. He was confused. Understandable. So on the Friday I packed a bag and left. I was currently on emergency annual leave due to the stress of it all but I was hopeful.
By the following Wednesday he called me and said he didn’t feel any different. I had to go through the pain again. From then on I hardly ate, I hardly slept, I cried, I even turned to mediums for help. Then I was hospitalised, when I told him he didn’t know how to react and it hurt even more.
But I was still part of my domestic abuse project and the young banker competition. I had my quarter finals which was a 15 minute chat. I cried beforehand and cried after but kept it together. When I got through to the next stage I thought right, I need to sort myself out now.
I changed my routine, started eating again as I had lost a stone, cut out the alcohol, exercised and focused on my work. I received counselling, started yoga, meditation and journaling. Then when I was in a better state I texted him to sort out all the bills to end it all. I went to the flat and picked up all my stuff and left him a note with a teddy that he brought me when he first started speaking to me.
I didn’t hate him, if anything he taught me what I want and don’t want from a guy.
Then shortly after, I ended up rekindling a friendship with Charlie. Someone I had known when we was 14. Now we are in a relationship and I’ve never been happy. I can leave the front door, he’s my biggest fan and he helps me through everything.
Moral of the story? Things do get better.